I have prepared a scholarship essay for a full ride scholarship. The requirement
ID: 69028 • Letter: I
Question
I have prepared a scholarship essay for a full ride scholarship. The requirements are an one page double spaced, typewritten essay that describes the contributions you hope to make in society and how a degree from this college will help you accomplish this. This is what I have. Would you please advise your critiques?
We spend most of our lives planning our future, perfecting it, and in a single moment, those plans can be destroyed. People every day have their futures changed when they lose a limb to accidents, disease and some were born without them. My goal is to be the person to aid people who suffer such losses by giving back opportunities they may have lost. I believe I can make a positive impact by building, designing and enhancing prostheses.
One of the first images when thinking of someone who has lost a limb is our wounded military and the lifestyle changes they must make and sacrifice when they lose an arm or leg during combat. I know firsthand how the loss of a limb can impact a person. I have witnessed the sadness and the inability to participate in many activities. My friend, Jared, was an avid sports player and someone who enjoyed the great outdoors by riding his ATV and hunting. Suddenly, Jared’s life changed, when his ATV flipped and broke his leg. The leg was reset but six weeks later, days after his 16th birthday, Jared and his family discovered that his leg had not healed properly and developed gangrene. In conjunction, Jared’s leg was amputated, ending many of his dreams and plans for the future.
Being from a small town and high school, I wish to meet new people, experience new environments, and seek a career not commonly available in a small, agricultural community. I am impressed with the quality education options at UMKC and the rich history on the campus and surrounding areas.
By achieving a Biomedical Engineering degree at UMKC, I will obtain the educational and training foundation necessary to continue onto graduate school and a career in Biomedical Engineering where I can develop, design and build prostheses. By meeting the goals I have set for myself, I will have the opportunity to support many people in attaining their dreams as well.
Explanation / Answer
Well as far as a BS application is concerned this is fine. However, I would advice you to consult a senior and add a little maturity to your sentence construction. For e.g. You can begin like this. We humans spend our lives blissfully, with meticulous planning for our rainy days. However, one single jolt due to an unfortunate incident can shatter all our dreams. An accident may leave us crippled or paralyzed or even ampute a part of the body which makes us inefficient and loose all the forthcoming opportunities in the future. I wish to bring hope to numerous such lives by developing the science of prosthesis and applying it to such people..........This is how you can frame your sentences.