Study the following weak message from an employee to her boss. List at least fiv
ID: 387487 • Letter: S
Question
Study the following weak message from an employee to her boss. List at least five weaknesses. Revise to eliminate flabby expressions, long lead-ins, there is/there are fillers, trite business expressions, clichés, and buried verbs, and to address lack of parallelism, lack of plain English, and other problems.
To: Daniel Kalanek <dkalanek@fidelityfirst.com>
From: Cheryl Madzar<cmadzar@fidelityfirst.com>
Subject: My Suggestion
Mr. Kalanek,
Pursuant to the fact that you asked for suggestions on how to improve customer relations, I am submitting my idea. I am writing you this message to let you know that I think we can improve customer satisfaction easy by making a change in our counters.
Last December glass barriers were installed at our branch. There are tellers on one side and customers on the other. The barriers have air vents to be able to allow us tellers to carry on communication with our customers. Management thought that these barriers that are bullet proof would prevent and stop thieves from catapulting over the counter.
However, there were customers who were surprised by these large glass partitions. Communication through them is really extremely difficult and hard. Both the customer and the teller have to raise their voices to be heard. It's even more of an inconvenience when you are dealing with a person that is elderly or someone who happens to be from another country. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, these new barriers make customers feel that they are being treated impersonal.
I did research into the matter of these barriers and made the discovery that we are the only bank in town with them. There are many other banks that are trying casual kiosks and open counters to make customers feel that they are more at home.
Although it may be easier said than done, I suggest that we actually give serious consideration to the removal of these barriers as a beginning and initial step toward improving customer relations.
Cheryl Madzar
[Full contact information]
Explanation / Answer
Well this message has a week communication. List of the mistakes or weakness -
1) The "Subject" of the message is very weak. It has a flabby expression in it. The "Subject" of the message says "My Suggestion" which looks incomplete, or rather has a flabby expression in it. Subject can be improved by writing "Suggestions to improve customer satisfaction". It gives a fair idea of what the message is.
2) "Pursuant to the fact that you asked for suggestions on how to improve customer relations, I am submitting my idea."
Since the subject part of the message should give an idea of the message, there is no need to remind the boss about the suggestions he is asking for. Needless to say, there is no need to indicate this, which looks like long lead-ins and unnecessary introductory words.
3) "I am writing you this message to let you know that I think we can improve customer satisfaction easy by making a change in our counters."
This sentence has lot of fillers. I am writing you this message to let you know is a long filler. That can be avoided by simply jumping to the point. This is again one of the weakness of this message.
4) "Last December glass barriers were installed at our branch. There are tellers on one side and customers on the other. The barriers have air vents to be able to allow us tellers to carry on communication with our customers" - This sentence lacks business expression. There is no need to explain in detail about the placing of the barriers and seating and air vents between them. Here, the writer of this message is complicating the scenario and it severely lacks business sense of expression.
5) "Management thought that these barriers that are bullet proof would prevent and stop thieves from catapulting over the counter.
However, there were customers who were surprised by these large glass partitions."
There is a lack of parallelism in these two sentences.
6) "I suggest that we actually give serious consideration to the removal of these barriers as a beginning and initial step toward improving customer relations."
This sentence has buried verbs like - we actually give serious consideration. Here writer can mention, we consider the removal of barriers.